so I’m trying to get to a stage where it’s easy to make some art, scan it in, maybe do a few tweaks on the computer, and upload here. Annoyingly the scanner-computer connection seems to have broken in the past month. I’m re-downloading the driver and it’ll probably work again in a short while.
Another thing I’m finding is that my desk / monitor / keyboard situation isn’t ideal. The monitor is wobbling while i type… It is pretty irritating. I’ve managed to reduce the wobble by sliding my pen cup over, I’ll do the same with my spider ink pot now too. That has stabilised it a bit.
I’m not really expecting anyone to read this first blog so – eh – apologies if you are.
The scanner driver stuff isn’t working. I’m gonna save this as a draft and restart the pc.
OK scanner up and running, now to try to edit it with clip studio paint (!). I think I can do basic editing much more easily with a simple program like basic Paint, but I really want to get to grips with CSP. I’ve used Photoshop for about a decade now, and there are loads of similarities between CSP and PS, but the odd function is turning out to be INCREDIBLY frustrating and hard to find :(((( so, I’ll be doing a little cropping and rotating. Be back with the results.
I have a desire to be good at compostition, at bold design, because I’ve always felt like a failure in that area. I’ve struggled a lot with low self esteem for most of my life, I’m trying to grow beyond it’s oppressive clutches.
I think this oil pastel drawing turned out really nice. I wonder if I’ll ever get to a point where I actually plan things out better though. I seem very reluctant to use a ruler in any way that makes sense – you can see the wild skewed lines. I like the composition, and although I wasn’t able to acheive the diaphanous and almost veiny quality of the poppy petals, I think the quality of the colours and the character of the other three flowers (might they be mayweed?) has turned out well.
So I’ve started this blog because I miss it as a process of thinking, documenting and marking progress. My old blogs from art school still exist and I’m really grateful for it too! There is a lot there that I still find inspiring or work I’ve uploaded that I’m still proud of. My housemate is also into blogging, and I felt trusting and happy to tell her that I was thinking about starting again – her positive response was validating. Another push factor is the empty feeling in my gut from too much instagram. It’s been a wonderful space to find lots of other artists, and have some small feeling of connectedness, but I felt so deeply lost, lonely and unfulfilled after doing a couple of posts on there yesterday – some of this very artwork in fact!
I don’t know what to do with my art – that’s the problem I’m experiencing and part of how being on instagram yesterday made me feel deeply awful. I know I need to make money you see, and I want to be able to make some money from my creative work, but I’m experiencing loads of internal resistance to creating stuff to sell. I’m trying to explicate this so I can get to the truth of it and hopefully experience some kind of catharsis / understanding and be able to move on a bit.
In these moments, where I am feeling bereft and adrift and basically depressed:
- I think that art is worthless
- I feel a sense of bitter superiority over other people
- I don’t appreciate the skill and time required to make art
- I also think it is impossible for me to make anything of worth
- these are all really contradictory thoughts / feelings and it is deeply literally upsetting to hold them all at once
I’ve been making myself look and look at that blackbird drawing (which i posted on insta and got likes – this is a thing I’ll probably talk about more deeply later) and see that it is something I would really admire had someone else drawn it; then realise that I drew it; try to knit these two acknowledgements together into a positive learning and esteem-building experience.
Even now I’m feeling like I’m beating my head against a mental wall of pointlessness and fatalism. I think I might actually be in a bit of a caffeine tailspin from drinking two of those cans of cold coffee. Let’s leave it here for now. It’s good to have started.
